Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
