ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
