Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
