yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
