Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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