my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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