This is not my ceiling
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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