even my farts smell like vagina
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
