found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
