"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
