I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
