I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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