I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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