the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
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im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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