Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
it's great music for shaving your balls
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
