Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
