Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
