How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
