All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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