yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
