She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize