Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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