I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
