someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Randomize
