my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You dont lie about slip and slides
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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