I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
