My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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