The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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