Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
