Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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