You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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