I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
