Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
