I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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