some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I have tasted many bathrooms
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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