I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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