I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
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I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
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Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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