The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
