do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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