You smell like stripper and shame
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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