I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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