smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
