He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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