Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
