I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
