so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
