So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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