id be glad to
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
MIDGETS
????
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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