they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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