last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
