dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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