Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Is it penis luge time yet?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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