I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
In America we eat man semen.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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