Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
