you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
